FR 1165S FRENCH FILMS / AMERICAN MASKS
Fall 2007 Jean-Jacques Thomas
Lecture no 6
© Culture Shock!
Sally Adamson Taylor
Portland: Graphic Arts Center Publishing Co, 1990
Etre un invité dans une maison française
You've been invited to a French home for dinner. BOY! Are
you lucky! Few people, even French people, get such invitations. The French home
is very private and very much family-oriented, as we have noted, so an
invitation for dinner implies the offer of a high level of comfort with you and
regard for you. The size of Paris apartments, especially kitchens, limits the
extent to which the French can comfortably entertain at home. Plus, expectations
of the cuisine are so high, people usually prefer to go out. This is something
you can suggest to your French acquaintances. Never ask to visit someone's home
if you haven't already been invited. If you need to stop by for some reason,
telephone first.
If you are not invited to a French person's home, don't feel offended. Some of
the most famous internationals who have lived in Paris, including Gertrude Stein
and Henry James, had mostly other internationals for friends.
A century ago, Henry James complained that though he had been invited to the
salons of Flaubert, and regularly met Zola, Maupassant and the other luminaries
of the day (he also being well-known by then) they always treated him as if he
were a total stranger, as if he weren't there. He complained to his family, as
he finally left Paris to live in London, "It is rather ignoble to stay simply
for the restaurants," implying that he was never asked to French homes. But
Henry James also said very positive things about his Paris life: "You know, you
get all ready to hate the French - it happens all the time when you live in
Paris - then they'll turn around and say something or joke about themselves, and
you like them all over again."
Being a Good Guest
Once you are invited to a French home, remember these basic rules, which the
French also follow. They will help you get invited back and thus help you
establish a friendship for life, for that is how the French are about their
friends.
1. Arrive at the appointed time, but not earlier. If it's for dinner, you'll
probably be invited for around 7 or 7:30. In some Parisian circles, later.
2. Dress as you would for going out to a restaurant for dinner, the later the
appointed hour, the more fancy the dress code. For the men, the code rarely goes
beyond a suit and tie.
3. Don't arrive empty-handed. Bring a plant or flowers (in odd-numbered amounts,
often seven, but never 13), but not chrysanthemums (which are reserved for
funerals) or carnations (bad luck) or red roses (reserved for lovers and close
friends). Bring good chocolates or sweets. If you bring wine, ask first for
their suggestion, considering the menu. Then be sure to bring a good bottle. The
French quickly recognize quality. If you bring sparkling wine, make sure it is
Champagne or a very good Californian sparkling wine. It's not "just the thought
that counts". The gift should be something the person wouldn't indulge upon
themselves, something that appeals to the aesthetics or the intellect, but also
nothing embarrassingly extravagant. A present for each of the children also
works and can be a good distraction, though you are unlikely to see much of the
children during the evening.
4. Allow time to finding the address. Remember that numbers on buildings in
Paris increase very slowly. Number 20 may be a long walk from number 2, and
often there is a 2bis following a building numbered 2 and before a building
numbered 4, all independent addresses. Don't forget to ask for the door code, as
most residential buildings in Paris now have front doors that are locked. There
is usually a key pad on which you must punch the code before the buzzer will
sound and the door unlock. The individual doorbells in the building will be
inside, so you must either know the code or wait until someone comes by who
does.
5. You will be welcomed into the living room and offered an aperitif ... or a
"cocktail" borrowed from the English. Don't have the faute de goût (bad
taste) to ask for wine. Wines will be served with the meal. Cocktails will
usually be something sweet like vermouth (Martini in France) or a very short
whisky. Let your hosts serve you and stand to receive your drink when it comes
and 'to greet other guests.
6. There will be something to nibble, crackers or nuts rather than fancy
American hors d'oeuvres (which on a restaurant menu usually means "assorted
vegetables"). The meal may well be an hour or more away, but don't fill up.
You'll be expected to eat a great deal later. Polly Platt, in her book French
or Foe?, refers to this "introductory" period of the French evening at home
as a very awkward one. It usually is. But once everyone arrives and the meal
begins, everybody gets more comfortable. Life revolves around the meal table in
France, not around the living room. While in the living room, you'll have to do
your best to make everyone comfortable and relaxed. Tell a funny story about an
experience you've had in Paris, especially if it makes you the fool.
7. One thing NOT done in France during this "warm-up" is a house tour. The
French consider it "showing off' to ask if you want to see their home. Although
most of them by now know Americans expect it, for many it remains a breach of
the private vs. public "face". It may also be that they haven't had time to
clean up the rest of the house and would be embarrassed by its current state.
So, awkward as this period is, stay where you have been placed. Don't even
follow your host or hostess into the kitchen to help. You can offer to help, but
take your host's decline literally. You are the guest and it is their pleasure
to serve you. The only other room in the house you are likely to see on this
visit is the toilet (the WC, not the bathroom, usually two different places).
Likewise, don't help yourself at the bar (unless instructed to do so) and don't
investigate more closely an interesting book on a shelf or object in a case. You
are there to be an interesting human being, first. People are most important.
8. To be incorporated into the small friendship circle of this French
acquaintance, you have an important duty. Your role tonight will involve
participation in the conversation waltz, explained in more detail in the section
on "Conversation".
9. At table, you will usually be "placed" by the hostess, so look for name cards
or await her command.
1 O. Silverware is often placed downward. You should start with the pieces on
the outside and work your way inward. The pieces above your plate are for
dessert. Often, another set of utensils will be served with dessert and cheese.
Each course will be served on new plates.
11. Wine will be served with the first course. Once everyone is served, the
first sip of wine will be a toast, or at least an acknowledgement (Santé!) from
the host to his guests. Once the meal has begun, you may want to propose a toast
to your hosts, to the evening, or to whatever seems generally appropriate to all
assembled.
12. Try eating with your knife in the right hand and your fork in the left. It'
s the French way and very efficient, especially with salad.
13. You may rest both arms on the table, between bites, but not usually elbows.
14. Break your bread off from the main loaf, don't cut it.
Put the uneaten part or parts next to your plate, so they don't get soggy in the
sauces, but leave your bones and bits on the plate, not on the table cloth or
the floor. (l have a problem with this, as in Asia we move our discards off the
plate, sometimes even off onto the floor.)
15. Sincere comments about the food and the wine are always a good topic of
conversation. (But guard against false compliments -- worse than none at
all in France!) In a restaurant, you can be critical of the food; at home, of
course, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
16. Try to finish the food on your plate. It is a compliment to the hosts, as is
a request for "seconds" unless the presentation of that course is obviously
highly staged and difficult to repeat. The meals in Paris will be much lighter
than those in the country. The very place your request for "seconds" will be
appreciated most is in the country, where you are least likely to have room for
it!
17. If your host does it, you may soak up your sauces with your bread, usually
using your fork, not your fingers. The same applies in informal restaurants. 1
sometimes swirl the bread with my fingers, 1 must admit.
18. When you have finished a course, put your silverware together across the
plate, fork up.
19. Courses will correspond to those in a restaurant. A starter (soup, a fish
course, or a special salad), the main dish (plat principal), a green salad,
cheeses, dessert or fruit. Wines will be served with all courses, except perhaps
the salad, as vinegar fights wine.
20. As the cheese board goes around at the end of the meal, cut yourself a share
of the cheeses you want, maintaining the wedge shape. Take your share of the
rind; don't take off the point. Watch how others cut if you aren't sure.
21. Peel and slice your fruit with your knife before eating it. (I eat the peel,
usually, with apologies.)
22. An after dinner drink (digestif), either a sweet
liqueur or a dry distilled product like Cognac, eau-de-vie or marc, will be
offered. Now is the time to smoke, if you wish. Ask your host's permission, if
no one else is smoking, and don't smoke between courses, unless others do.
23. Write a thank-you note or call the next day to confirm the pleasure of the
event.
Accidents Will Happen
If you should have an accident in your host's home, say you spill something on a
rug or break a glass, you will usually be immediately relieved of the
responsibility of that damage.
No matter how valuable the object, your host will toss off the damage as nothing
worth considering. This is good manners in France, where people are more
important than things. (In the USA, a guest would consider it his duty to
replace or repair any real damages he did.) In France, a host accepts
responsibility for his guests as he would for his children. (Another reason,
perhaps, why French people are slow to invite people to their homes!)
Offer to replace and repair your mistakes, of course, but don't be surprised if
you are told that the Baccarat crystal goblet was "really worthless". If you do
break something valuable, you might consider sending a nice gift, later, to
express your appreciation for your friends' generosity.
Staying with a French Family
You've been invited to stay! How nice! Now you will see how truly warm and
generous the French are. Now you will really be treated like family. Just a few
thoughts, though, about when you first arrive.
In addition to those points mentioned above, remember to respect the household
privacy. Don't wander into rooms with closed doors without knocking first. Leave
the toilet and bathroom doors closed.
Don't help yourself in the kitchen unless instructed to do
so. Ask before using the TV, stereo or radio. Do help out whenever possible with
clearing the dishes and washing up.
The French are very concerned about disturbing their neighbors.
As a guest, be particularly concerned about making noise including bathing late
at night or speaking loudly in the hallways.
If you are a student going to live with a French family, do not assume
automatically that you are being accepted as an equal. You are a family member,
but still a "child" to them. Respect their rules and the private spaces in the
home outside your own room. Don't let it all hang out unless behind the closed
door of your own assigned space.
Because there is little private space in France, your presence will be a major
impact on each member of the family. Try to minimize that impact, wherever
possible. That is the basis of what the whole world knows as "good manners".
FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Most French people establish friendships slowly, especially by Ameri¬can and
Australian standards. As we have discussed earlier, this is not because they are
unfriendly, but because a friend is a serious commit¬ment, an extension of one's
family responsibilities in life. So be patient and don't try to push your
intimacy on people.
In Raymonde Carroll's book, she says a friend in France is what you would
expect: someone who loves you like a sibling, whom you can trust, whose company
you enjoy, who accepts you as you are. Friends help each other, but in France,
friends are expected to do more than give support and sympathy. They are
expected to help guide, correct and participate in each other's lives.
Anglo-Saxons can find French friends suffocating, always talking on the
telephone, always discussing their personal problems in detail and always
planning events together. Yet the French will rarely analyze the relationship
between the two of you.
They prefer to let that "live" and discuss other things,
like politics or art or fashion or events. Such discussions can lead to
disagreements, but there is no threat here. Once a friendship is established, it
will be strong enough to weather such storms. In fact, you will be valued for
being honest with your friends more than for being supportive.
The French do not worry about being "equal" with their friends. They do not
count favors or seek an equilibrium of the number of dinner parties or gifts one
gives the other. They expect their friends to love them as family and the
activity of reaching out to each other is more important than remembering who
reached farther or first. Carroll notes some interesting examples of this. A
good friend calls another, saying she is exhausted. The friend immediately
offers to come over, take the children, and allow her friend a few hours'
relief. Pretty amazing, eh? Friendship demands a great deal of commitment in
France.
Friends can call on each other, day or night, for the slightest reasons. The
telephone becomes an extension of their relationship, another visit, another
chance to connect and conversations are rarely short.
French people will call each other, right after they get home from a party
together, if they think of something they forgot to say, or they have a bit more
news. Between friends, a telephone is a line of love. When a friend calls you on
the telephone, he will rarely introduce himself, expecting you to recognize his
voice (and thereby confirm yourself: if it wasn't really you, you wouldn't know
who he was.)
French friends often do things together several times a week. They will
introduce their circle of friends to each other and attempt to combine the two
circles as much as possible.
As you do become friends with a French person, you can expect to be pulled into
his close circle, meeting his other friends, and included in their activities.
You will then be expected to fulfill some of these emotional obligations and
commitments yourself, as the French expect of their true friends. That's why the
expansion of the friendship circle is slow in France. Each of us has limited
amounts of time and energy, so we must limit the number of people with whom we
can be true friends. Counting many people as "friends", and therefore being very
"popular", is not the French ideal. It is quality rather than quantity, here.
Compliments
French people are very conscious of their surroundings. You don't get cities
like Paris or countryside like the Loire without making a conscious effort. So
the French take seriously the impressions of other people. They don't like false
compliments.
Commenting on a pretty dress, a new pair of shoes, or new haircut is a natural
thing to do. But different cultures respond to this commentary differently.
Anglo-Saxons are taught to say "Thank you" when they receive a compliment,
implying, "Thank you for making note of me, how kind you are." Compliments are
more politeness than commentary, here.
In the East, a compliment is usually denied, meaning, "Oh no, I really am not
that good and you are too kind and good to see how lowly I am." Compliments
aren't usually given, just because they are awkward to receive.
But since French people compliment not to be polite, but because they really
have an opinion, the reaction they expect is different from either of the above.
Your response should reflect your appreciation of that person's opinion.
Just to say, "Thank you," is to imply, "Thank you, yes, I agree my dress is
terrific." Too pretentious.
Instead, a proper reply is something like, "Oh, do you really think so? (with no
sarcasm intended) I'm so glad you like it!", implying you admire and respect
their opinion, and so accept this lowly dress as better, by that measure.
Making Your Home Among the French
While we are on the subject of home life, it is important to mention some of the
expectations the French will have of you, when you are living among them, other
than on the intimate level of "friend". Here are some tips on how to be a good
neighbor, as well as how to keep up with Les Dupont.
Your first relationship in a building will probably be with the gardienne
who is usually a woman paid to live on the ground floor and care for the needs
of the tenants. She will usually have her family living with her, though her
husband may work elsewhere, and she tends to things such as the mail, deliveries
of goods, the maintenance of the ground floor facilities such as garbage bins,
gardens and brass polishing.
Having a good relationship with the gardienne (or concierge) makes
life infinitely easier in France, and you can usually establish a good
relationship by a friendly manner and thoughtful remuneration for any special
attention you get, as well as Christmas and Easter bonuses, which usually should
be FF500 to FF3,000, depending on your rent and the number of ways you are using
her services.
The concierge will also often be a good source for other service people you
need: plumbers, electricians, carpenters. She usually knows who is around and
who has done good work in the past in the building. She will also have good
neighborhood shopping tips.
The people she cannot help you with, very much, are the neighbors.
These relationships are far more delicate, partly because of the special
attitude the French have towards friendships described above.
Because you are living at very close quarters to the other people in the
building and they cannot become friends with most of their neighbors, you must
maintain a certain respectful distance from them. They will show you how. This
distance involves a polite acknowledgement of their presence, when you meet in
the hallway, stairwell or elevator, but a respectful silence beyond that. The
coolness allows both of you your privacy. It is not a "put down" or rude. It is
polite.
Certain considerations will be expected of you. You will want to hold the door
for anyone coming in behind you (as most people do, even in the métro
stations in France). You will avoid making any unnecessary noise in the public
areas of the building, as well as in your own quarters, if that noise reaches
other apartments. (Floors carry the noise of footfall and chairs scraping, for
example.) Though you are in your own private space, you will be expected to
behave in a way that assures everyone else their comfort and privacy, as well.
Sooner or later, you will begin to make better friends among your neighbors.
Like all friendships in France, these will take time. Even in the countryside,
you will find people hesitant to step forward, at first. Speak French and be
patient. Remember the French love to be amused and you are probably a fairly
capable person at doing so.
Meanwhile, you will probably experience bouts of loneliness, especially in the
middle of Paris. Here are a few suggestions for combating this problem:
I. Go to the movies. All movie houses discount their prices on Mondays. Read
Pariscope or L'Officiel for the details.
2. Ask your friends to come visit (few will need to be asked twice) and look up
friends-of-friends, who are often glad to meet another international with whom
they share some friend in common.
3. Join English-speaking organizations, as suggested in the appendix of this
book, to get involved in activities that will teach you more about the art and
history of your area.
4. Get yourself established as a "regular" in one of your neighborhood
restaurants. They will make you feel welcome when you are eating alone. They
will even set you up with other interesting "singles" so you can have an
interesting conversation as you eat. No friend is a better and more loyal one
than a French person, but like all good things, they need time.
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